Not everyone can reach Level 10. It takes years of dedicated inactivity. Months of cancelled plans. A lifetime of choosing the sofa over society.
Think you’ve made it? Here are the signs.
1. You’ve perfected The Reach
The remote is over there. The snacks are over here. Your drink is somewhere behind a cushion. A Level 10 Dosser can retrieve all three without fully sitting up. It’s basically yoga, but useful.
2. You have a “going out” excuse on standby at all times
“I think I’m coming down with something.” “My car’s making a weird noise.” “I’ve already got plans.” (The plans are the sofa. The plans are always the sofa.)
You’re not antisocial. You’re socially unavailable. There’s a difference.
3. You’ve eaten an entire meal lying down and felt no shame
Crumbs in the duvet? Part of the ecosystem. A plate balanced on your chest? Engineering. A spoon in your hoodie pocket for later? Forward planning.
The Crumb Goblin lifestyle isn’t a phase. It’s a commitment.
4. Your phone battery lasts all day because you never leave the house
No maps. No photos of brunch. No “on my way!” texts. Just a fully charged phone, a Wi-Fi connection, and absolutely zero reasons to move.
5. You’ve worn the same outfit for 48+ hours and called it “a decision”
Not because you forgot to change. Because you chose not to. That’s not laziness. That’s consistency. That’s brand loyalty. That’s a uniform.
The Verdict
If you scored 3 or more, congratulations. You’re a Level 10 Dosser. A Lazy Legend. A professional at doing absolutely nothing.
You’ve earned the shirt.
